i wanna be a butterfly.

Last year, Richard and I spent Easter weekend relaxing and enjoying time with my mom and dad. I was tired, very tired. But I work hard, stay up late, struggle with anemia. There have been times in my life when i mistook unconsciousness for exhaustion. A few yawns here and there as we antiqued--well, i just didn't think it was a big deal.

I wore a yellow dress to church and in Ruth-girl fashion, I really thought I looked good. I had lost a few pounds (and was valiantly trying to lose a few more). I felt stylish and svelt-ish. Until...

Until a woman in the congregation came up to greet me after church and asked me outright if I was pregnant. No, I said, confused. She pointed at my mid-section and said, "Oh I was just sure that was a baby bump. Are you positive?" I absolutely was. The answer was no. Even after she asked me two more times and I could feel the tears welling up. I could hardly speak by the end of the encounter, so embarrassed was I that I had ever thought I looked good.

Four days later, I found out I was pregnant and had been for *several* weeks.

I've struggled all my life with my own self-image, with an inability to be satisfied with the person that I am when it comes to the way that I look. So many times, I have thought "someday, when I am down to my ideal, i'll have a new lease on life." But for the months that followed last Easter, I found that I had to take "dying to self" to a whole new level. First I was nauseated, then I was starving. First, I slept all the time, then I couldn't sleep at all. I was sore and swollen.

By December, I tried NOT to look when the nurse measured my weight. I felt heavy with the burden, not only of a full term baby, but with the sense that I was ever further from that new life, that ideal me.

Then Jack was born and every day he is cheekier and funnier and more chunkalicious. Jack loves me just the way I am. He beckons me to forgive these wide hips because the balance him perfectly. He shows me how to forgive this stomach because it was his home for nine months. He teaches me how to forgive this whole soft body because for now, it is his favorite place to sleep, his source of nourishment and comfort, his place of peace. That's a lot for any body to take on.

It would be a lie to say that I'm not working on my weight, that I don't sometimes look in the mirror and think "slug." Sure, I still live in fear of the stranger (or friend) who asks about my baby bump because yes, I still have one. But I also have this new life.

It isn't the transformation that I was longing for last year, but it is just the change I needed.

we are family.

easter bunny 101

"you won't believe it, but mommy and daddy say that there is this big bunny, right, and he
brings all the little children a basketful of goodies on easter morning.
And here's the best part..."

"and these 'treats.' Well the bunny brings chocolate and eggs and chocolate eggs.
and not breast milk. not one drop.
i know. totally unbelieveable."

"please sir, may i have a little more?"

no foolin'...so in love.

the incredible journey

"who me, center of attention? i don't know what you're talking about!"

We made our first trip to Corpus Christi to Bibi and Grandaddy's house for Easter. While Jack is a good traveler and a veteran of I-35 S, having made many trips to San Antonio, this trip was twice as long and we had to leave on a schedule that had little to do with Jack's sleep habits and a lot to do with Daddy's work day.

Our strategy was simple: feed Jack loads and hope he sleeps. He is a fairly obliging boy and so he did all of the eating and *most* of the desired sleeping. Still, we didn't get in until almost 10. We found Nanny and Bibi waiting with baited breath and Grandaddy still working.

Jack, bolstered by a nice long nap in the car and by an adoring audience, turned on the charm and enjoyed hanging out with the grands for more than an hour. He smiled. He drooled. He did everything he could to keep us all at the table so that he wouldn't have to go to bed. He is his mother's son.

And for his final trick (and to wear him out) we put him on the table so that he could show Nanny and Bibi how he can inch himself forward by shear force of will, a few growls and grunts, and the heaviness of that sweet big head. He moved a whole foot before we knew it.

I'm looking forward to many years of cheering him on.

little boy blue

At this time of year, the earth begins to warm, the skies open with gentle rains, wildflowers turn highways into pointillist masterpieces, and across Texas--families pull off onto the shoulder of the road and hall their kids into the grass for photographs. Who am I to mess with tradition?

Worse, I woke Jack from a nap for this adventure into the weeds. He was dazed and confused at first and then a little bit incredulous. There were a few smiles, but he was very uncertain about the hat. I, on the other had, felt sure that it was adorable. Richard said he looked like an aging Englishman with questionable taste and pasty skin who decided to vacation on the Riviera this year. I told him that Jack looked nothing of the sort. Socks and sandals were NOT a part of this carefully crafted bluebonnet outfit.

Still, we were only out in the unremitting sunshine for about fifteen minutes before we started to worry that our English rose was getting to, well, rosy.

We'll be back next year to try again, though I am already wondering where to go so that he can't wander onto the road. By that time, I doubt only the flowers will be wild.

move over, chas tenenbaum...

We had an unexpected cold snap this weekend. So it was time to break out the matching puma tracksuits. (Jack's was a gift from my friend Katie. She said it reminded her of Richard for some reason. I couldn't figure it out but when I brought it home from the shower and mentioned it to Rich, he immediately said, "oh it's so cool. like The Royal Tenenbaums." Richard got his matching tracksuit for Valentine's Day.)

We were the ONLY people on the Hike and Bike Trail. It seemed pretty nippy, but Jack fell asleep right away and so we persevered so that he could have a full nap. Turns out that the windchill was in the 20s. Oops.

Jack: "i didn't think things would get all matchy-matchy until i had a sibling!"